Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's shark week go big or go home
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
