Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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