I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
