Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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