I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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