i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
