i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
