I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
