If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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