listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
