you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
