I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She bit a glass in half.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
