Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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