Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
