Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
