i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
