he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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