Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
