you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
