Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
