her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
