You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
