I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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