I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
