i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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