I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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