Will you blow on my dice?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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