Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
