His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
