Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
