think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
