How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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