Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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