Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
