yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
