Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
