at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
