Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
