you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
