What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
then he tried to convert me to islam
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
