had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
