I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
