You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Found the puke drawer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
