Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
