Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The Olympian is in my bed
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
