meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
