I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
