3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
