never play flip cup with pint glasses
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
