I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
