We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
