You really coming over, don't trick.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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