$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
