I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
