Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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