I accidentally had phone sex last night
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
