i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
